quit playing games with my heart
Yep…throwback to the Backstreet Boy, circa 1996—a fitting title for this particular blog.
As stepparents, we have tremendous influence over our stepkids’ hearts, values and personal worth. Even if we don’t always see it, our stepkids are paying attention to what we say about them and how we interact with them. Our obligation to care and nurture their little hearts is just that…and obligation. Not a game to be taken lightly.
So it’s with all humility I share a recent example where I was too careless with my stepson’s heart; a lesson I won’t forget anytime soon.
My 13 year old stepson, like his father, is a “gamer”. If they could, they would spend every waking minute conquering the latest online quest or building a new multi-dimensional civilization on their computer. There has been more than one occasion where I found my stepson up early and dressed for school so he can squeeze in a few precious moments of game-time before the day starts.
If I’m being honest…I just don’t “get it”. Gaming has never been an interest of mine. Even as a young person (circa Mario Bros and Atari), gaming was never something I cared about. So I acknowledge that it’s easy for me to be a bit “judgey” when I feel too much time is being spent in front of a computer screen.
I would much rather see all my kids prioritizing a good book, physical exercise, or social time with their friends and family. Additionally, I believe too much (of anything) can be bad. It’s said that excess screen time can lead to social-emotional challenges, sleep disturbance, depression and anxiety. Certainly something we parents have an obligation to keep in check!
So I felt justified this week when I announced to my stepson that there would be “no gaming after school”. I could tell he was disappointed, but he didn’t say anything, and we went about our night. After dinner, I noticed he was in his room alone and I encouraged him to watch a movie with the family. When he appeared, it was obvious he had been crying.
I admit I was a little surprised. A 13 year old boy crying because he can’t play video games for one evening? Even more…wasn’t his reaction in fact “proof” of his addiction and misplaced priorities?
While there is some truth to the above, I learned later that my stepson had promised a group of friends that he would play a critical gaming tournament with them. This is an important detail as my stepson is not particularly outgoing and often makes friends via shared interests - like video games. Additionally, he only had the proper gaming equipment at our house, and since he is a product of divorced parents, he would have to wait an additional week to play again given parenting schedules. Not only was he deprived of an activity he adores, but he also let down his fellow gamers.
I realized pretty quickly that I didn’t have the right to make judgments about my stepson’s heart without first considering his perspective.
With additional context in tow, I had an opportunity to follow up with my stepson. I reminded him that although I’m an authority figure, he should absolutely be free to share his perspective, ask questions, and advocate for himself. I reiterated that he is loved and that I want to see him happy and healthy. My obligation as his stepmom continues to be to protect, support and nurture his heart. And I can do that more effectively when I seek to understand his perspective, versus making my own judgments.
To his credit, my stepson also acknowledged his need to reprioritize his activities. In fact, we’re all signed up for a family 5k in a few months! Additionally, I (attempted) to model inclusion and really understand his point of view by participating in a Roblox game. Let’s just say, I didn’t last long. But seeing the appreciation and excitement from my stepson (he’s a really good teacher!!) made it all worthwhile.
*Looking for other ways to grow your relationship with your stepkids? Check out this article on the “6 Ways to Bond with your Stepchildren.”
